Chewin' my nails.

..well, not really. I'm not a nail biter. But I feel like chewing them into little agitated stubs. My thoughts are racing and it would be so nice to focus on something else, if just for two minutes.

Last night, to be honest, was pretty fucking terrible. I do not swear often, but when I do, it's with intention. I really, really intend all over that 'fuck.' I snapped at my husband for being ten minutes 'late' for bed. I couldn't settle into my nighttime relaxation routine.

I thought to myself, "Self. Just go to friggin' sleep."

"Fine."

So, I attempted sleep but it escaped me like a bratty little child. My thoughts sped around, flitting from one stressful topic to the other. Could I keep up this juice thing? Am I being stupid? God. This is definitely stupid. Am I even going to lose weight? Will I gain all the weight back after I start eating solids? I hear all the time that people gain a few pounds back after they stop juicing. Well, if I only lose a few pounds, will I gain those back and all this crap will be for nothing? I'm going to be fat forever. Some people were just supposed to be fat, and I'm one of them.

Nice loop, huh? I told myself this all night. When I finally fell asleep, I had a dream that I traveled to a hotel to see my geeky friends. I went up in an elevator, but the whole time I was freaking out, stressed, panicked, and looking in the mirrored walls and saying how fat I was and I didn't want to go because it was too embarrassing. But, when I entered the room with my friends, they all applauded and cheered that I had come!

So, I'm a big believer in dream symbolism. I have a few books and website I rely on for translation, and working through the emotions and symbols in this dream just blew me away. In fact, I laughed.

Traveling signifies moving towards your life goals.
A hotel signifies a new state of mind or a shift in consciousness.
Moving up in an elevator signifies rising to a higher state of conscious.

WOW.

My emotions throughout the entire dream were very anxious, but the symbolism is clear: change is happening.

I used to medicate my anxiety with Lexapro, but I have been pharmaceutical free since November '08. Episodes like last night might have sent me back to the doctor's office, begging for a new prescription. I am humbled by my subconscious' nudging that this CHANGE IS HAPPENING and I will reach the end; it will be joyous.

I have read in many blogs that juicing will invoke a wild ride of emotions. I knew to expect this, but was still surprised at the intensity. I am grateful for my new focus: change. is. happening.